STRUGGLE LOVE(RIDE OR DIE)PART 1

 

                                                                              

STRUGGLE LOVE  STRUGGLE LOVE  STRUGGLE LOVE

Phenomenal Earthlings, I have missed you people so much, its been long since I wrote something and I decided that my comeback will be massive. Trust me I'm here to shatter glasses, destroy long standing societal values while still educating and enlightening people. So lets start like this WHAT IS STRUGGLE LOVE? 

Struggle love can be defined as a one sided relationship - simple, but I love this definition from Akeelah's room because it defines Struggle love from the context I'll be explaining  "Struggle Love is a term that describes ​relationships where turbulence is mistaken for love, and one partner (often the woman) must constantly bear the brunt of the other partner’s actions/inactions. This is a warped image of love that causes long term stress to the person who chooses to stay, and these relationships exist heavily in the black community; black women posing as the common denominator. Struggle love is a warped image of love, and this cycle occurs due to actions that are mimicked from the relationship dynamics witnessed as children, whether it be between parents/caregivers, couples on television, or in the general media. Struggle love also correlates with toxic attachment styles that are linked to the relationships between parent and child growing up."

Before I continue I think its very important to note that there is a difference between struggle love and a toxic relationship. Struggle love is one sided, picture a relationship where one partner cheats, is reckless, acts like a complete psycho and the other person stays with the hope that this said partner will eventually change and there will be a happily ever after, A toxic relationship according to Healthscope, " A toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, respect, and compassion, an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth, an ability to share control and decision-making, in short, a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.'

“Keep in mind that it takes two individuals to have a toxic relationship, meaning our own words and actions matter as well.”

By the concrete definition of struggle love I think I have done a great job painting what struggle love is and what it entails(bet you thinking of someone now or maybe yourself) but to create a good mental picture this is how one can spot struggle love.

HOW TO SPOT STRUGGLE LOVE

● Emotionally unavailable men who can’t seem to leave you alone.

● Toxic men who demand nurturing with no reciprocation.

● Actions that go low, words that fly high. 

● Cheating. Cheating. And more cheating. 

● Constantly ignoring your boundaries. 

● Love bombing followed by abusive behavior or preceding abusive behavior.

● Overbearing neediness. 

● Ghosting. 

● Possessiveness/ jealousy. 

● Physical/verbal abuse.. Lets elaborate on this: 

❖ Aggressive behavior followed by no/downplayed accountability. ❖ Slander and berating of insults after failing to fulfill their wishes. ❖ Belittlement and harsh scrutiny, almost always unwarranted. ❖ Drags disguised as jokes. 

❖ Calling you out of your name. 

❖ Guilt tripping you for setting boundaries. 

Akeelah's Room did a great job on how to spot struggle love and this is a well put together list on what struggle love looks like. To be clear Struggle love happens to both genders but its no secret that women especially black women(Black women worldwide) go through struggle love more.

Struggle love which I like to call the "Ride or Die mentality" originated from somewhere, something or someone is the brain behind it, now I'm not talking about who started it because that must have happened way before Christ was born, I'm talking about the idea behind struggle love, what supports or promotes it, the enablers, what drives or fuels it etc.

THE IDEA BEHIND STRUGGLE LOVE

I believe that the main idea behind struggle love is simply our old friend and companion PATRIARCHY, now lets stop right there and let me define. Patriarchy  is a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property. Some patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage or Patriarchy refers to the male domination both in public and private spheres. Feminists mainly use the term 'patriarchy' to describe the power relationship between men and women. ... Walby defines “patriarchy as a system of social structures and practices in which men dominate, oppress and exploit women” (Walby 1990:20). Patriarchy is a social system where men rule.

I believe this is the main idea behind struggle love, in a patriarchal society women are seen as inferiors and more as objects for sexual satisfaction and procreation, a woman has no choice in a patriarchal society therefore she must remain in any situation that she finds herself even if that situation is life threatening or damaging to her mental health. Growing up I saw this as a normal thing and girls were taught to "stick by a man" in every situation, words like "men will be men" was thrown around as an excuse to justify the actions of ill mannered men and women had to just simply endure with the hope that the man might eventually come to his senses and treat her right(this usually happens 1 in 100 relationships). struggle love is perpetuated in the idea that men are some sort of demigods and Lords that rule the Earth and are free to do whatever they want and women just have to "go with the flow".

 Is it not also funny how the definition of a good woman is the woman that endures all things and never fights back? The woman that is easy to control? The woman that agrees with everything and accepts everything thrown at her?

Now I must accept the fact that things are changing in the world we live in, more women are realizing that they have a choice and are leaving harmful and abusive relationships but things haven't changed that much because till date they are enablers, supporters, promoters of struggle love. Let me explain.

      ENABLERS OF STRUGGLE LOVE

1. Culture: I personally feel this is the main promoter of struggle love, what is the number one excuse most African men use to promote sexism and misogyny? CULTURE. Culture can be defined as the ideas, customs, and social behavior of a particular people or society. There is still this belief that a woman should not leave a relationship most especially marriage just because her husband does not behave well. The Guardian does a better job explaining this "Thousands of years of patriarchy has laid pretty good groundwork for this – and it’s not so long since a wife was considered her husband’s property, and had no legal rights whatsoever. It was only in the 1980s that new laws against marital rape recognized that men didn’t have the right to demand sex with their wives anytime they wanted; prior to that, consent was considered to have been given on the wedding day and never revoked. Today, we still live in a society that entrenches women’s subordination at every level – from the home, to the boardroom, to our parliament. Even in the courtroom, as we see so often. As the Harvard psychiatrist Judith Herman writes: “The legal system is designed to protect men from the superior power of the state but not to protect women or children from the superior power of men.

Men don’t abuse women because society tells them it’s OK. Men abuse women because society tells them they are entitled to be in control. In fact, society says that if they are not in control, they won’t succeed – they won’t get the girl, they won’t get the money, and they will be vulnerable to the violence and control of other men. It says that if they fail to assert themselves like “real men”, they will end up poor and alone.

2. MEDIA: In our current world I'll say this is the leading factor of struggle love because less people care about societal values and more about what they see on Television and on the internet. The idea of struggle love is so pushed and forced down the throats of young girls that you'd think there is a conspiracy somewhere. From our movies to the songs and even the celebrities we admire. How many movies have you watched with the plot of an abusive husband that does everything wrong in the world and the wife that stays and suffers and after her suffering she is rewarded by her husband eventually changing? or have you noticed how so many songs by our contemporary artists mostly hip hop artists glorify struggle love with lyrics involving the girl that stays while the man misbehaves "the ride or die mentality"? or our admirable celebrities mostly African American celebrities that stick with their reckless partners just because of the false hope of black love? Something to think about

3. THE CHURCH: Before I write this, I must say this is very hard for me to write because I'm a Christian and I dont feel comfortable bashing the church but the truth must be told. This is going to be very controversial and I know other christians reading this might take this out of context but I'm not going to bite my tongue. One of the major enablers of struggle love is the beloved church of Christ Jesus, its the same cliche drama that involves the submissive and praying wife with the reckless husband that eventually changes, I'll like to add that Christ alone can change someone and people do indeed change but we see this change happen like once in a hundred marriages, so then what happens to the woman? she should stay considering the fact that her life is at risk? what about her mental health? what about her purpose on Earth? because we know christ did not do all he did just for the sole purpose of marriage its bigger than that, I'm also aware that some very conservative christians belief that a woman only purpose is childbearing and marriage which is funny because they preach about eternity and we were meant to believe that marriage ends here on Earth. Now Divorce is not something supported in the bible for any genders but if we check properly this idea is indoctrinated more in women than in men. The church still feels men are entitled to do whatever.

   While there are still so many enablers of struggle love, I'll stop with these three and continue the rest on the part 2 of these series.

Struggle love still exist for so many reasons but I feel the most crucial reason is because of INSECURITY, most women are not aware of their worth and because of that endures whatever situation they find themselves in, this could also be a result of psychological issues like Father complex popularly known as daddy issues and so many others.

                  

                       HOW TO STOP STRUGGLE LOVE

1. Teaching women to know their worth from a young age

2. Raising and grooming boys on how to behave

3. Eliminating the glorification of struggle love in the media    etc.

Women more centuries have had to endure and suffer just because of a relationship or marriage, women have lost their lives, their focus, aspirations and even their mental health. But I believe that this can change and I believe in a world free of struggle love

                                LOVE YOU ALL BUT JESUS LOVES YOU MORE.   

                                                STAY SAFE.